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Body Langauge from Kevin Hogan
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You’re having what you consider to be a pretty important conversation over dinner.
The ambience?
Excellent. In fact perfect. White candles…just lit, white wine, a few lillies. You look good.
Everything is running smoothly this evening. You couldn’t have asked for better. The new suit fits particularly well and the color, much to your surprise, worked.
You’ve been talking for what seems like 5 minutes. You got on a roll and stayed there. You painted a vivid picture and you can tell she is there.
She’s sitting right by you and she goes to give you a kiss. Excellent. She smiles and returns to her wine then becomes completely unaware that she is fixing her hair.
You unconsciously mirror her behavior.
You don’t even think about it because EVERYTHING is going so perfectly tonight! You smooth your hair.
She consciously recognizes that primping and for an unknown reason she INSTANTLY feels uncomfortable and a little nervous.
Inside of your mind you are playing with how to phrase the BIG QUESTION. Then you just say it. How could it go wrong?!?!
“I think we should go for it.”
You smile a deep heartfelt genuine smile.
She instantly thinks, NO WAY!
It’s out of nowhere and she has no idea why she feels that way. She’s a little surprised, but she has come to trust her gut on all things.
She states the response we all say when we are fearful and know we probably shouldn’t be.
“Let me think about it.”
You’re dumbfounded.
90 Miles an Hour … to Instant Stop
Everything was going well, very well, right up until this second.
“Sorry?”
“I said, I’ll think about it.”
You heard right. She is going to think about what not ten minutes ago she said, “I definitely want to do that!”
What the heck happened?
The expression on your face is quizzical and perhaps a bit stunned.
She instantly spots the furrowed brow, slightly open mouth, and the eye lids drawing closer to each other as your chin pushes to the right just a bit while your head tilts slightly back and to the left.
Now she has a stream of thoughts and they are all negative.
He thinks I’m being stupid? Why are you giving me that look? What a jerk.
“What’s wrong?”
The tone is not terribly distrusting or hostile, but you’ve just experienced a temperature change of arctic proportions. You snap out of it.
“Nothing at all.”
But it’s too late.
Ten minutes ago she was definitely going to do it.
Now everything has changed.
“When would you like me to call you about it?”
You try to recover. You weren’t prepared for her chilly response. Now you have to try and capture that warm breeze again, but you intuitively and rightfully know that isn’t going to happen.
Everything had been moving ideally. Perfect. Nothing could have gone wrong, but a sinkhole couldn’t have swallowed a car in Chicago faster than she sucked the energy out of your brain.
“Doesn’t matter. Sometime next week I guess,” the temperature continues to go down.
He’s really trying to pressure me. I don’t like it. I’m not sure I even like him. I think I was wrong about him.
What happened?
How can everything go well and then INSTANTLY turn without you ever having said a negative word…or no words at all??!!
The unseen body language signal…
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Careful: You just sent the FEAR Signal!
What could possibly have gone wrong?
You fiddled with your hair for 1 second while you were delivering “the closing statement.”
She has been around thousands of humans in her life. She has no idea that her brain has connected people who she’s listening to and the triggers of the one person who lied to her when she smoothed her hair years ago. She doesn’t remember it. She wouldn’t remember it. It’s long buried from consciousness. But the hidden in plain sight Anxiety Trigger remains and probably will for the rest of her life.
You did absolutely nothing wrong.
You smoothed your hair while asking her to go for it and her brain shot out a gut kick of adrenaline and cortisol release that changed her nonconscious liking to nonconscious fear, to conscious fear, to politely backing off and simply hating you.
1 second.
You couldn’t have known until today.
And now you know.
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Body Language Signals: Delivering the Message with Elegance and Safety
When you deliver a message that matters, you don’t touch anything. You don’t touch the wine glass. You don’t touch your glasses. You don’t touch the table. You don’t touch a fork. You don’t touch…anything. These are all COMMON FEAR TRIGGERS for people in conversation to experience.
Every single day people miss opportunities in all aspects of life by switching “yes” to “no” through internal triggers.
You simply tripped her “Fear Switch.”
You wouldn’t have meant for it to happen in a million years. Obviously. But her gut directs her brain, and her brain, in this case, is directing her mind, and that means you are hearing, “no.”
She’ll go home or visit a friend and explain what happened. She will tell her friend you were rude and impossible to tolerate.
When asked for specifics, she won’t be able to give even one.
“I don’t know, I just got a bad feeling about him. He’s a bit of a jerk.”
“I thought you wanted to go for it with this guy?”
“I did but he blew it. I saw who he really is.”
The girl went from experiencing deity to Dante in the Inferno in one split second.
People ask me all the time, “what are the most important body language signals?”
Answer?
“It’s the one that triggers a cortisol release in the brain. It’s the one that kicks in the fear and anxiety that you couldn’t have known without having watched a video of the person’s life.”
If you’re going to “gesture” while communicating the big suggestion, it better be intentional, certain, and illustrate the proposal brilliantly.
What’s that mean?
Body Language Fear Triggers
Common fiddling and gestures are the most commonly experienced fear triggers. If a person hears 100 positive things and 20 negative things over a year where the communicator makes any specific gesture (a touch to the nose, straightening of the hair, touching the lips, wetting the lips, rubbing the eyes, scratching the ear), the 20 negatives overwhelm the 100 positives. 100 positives is like 100 goldfish in an ocean of 20 negative Great White Shark experiences.
Recognizing their nonverbal cues matters. It can matter a lot.
But the reality is that being aware of YOUR RESPONSE & BEHAVIORS to their nonverbal cues which they then observe, are really where problems begin. This is the most common place for “yes” to become “no.”
Some common body language signals that trip you up?
Learn Body Language: Break it Down
Mirroring their behavior can help build rapport. It can create simple bonding. But it can also backfire. This doesn’t happen because someone becomes aware of your mirroring them. That moment might happen once in a lifetime.
The beginning point of disaster is when they have a negative reaction triggered by a gesture or cue you offered up, probably nonconsciously. You didn’t know it happened. You didn’t think anything. You didn’t mean anything. You didn’t consciously do anything. You simply reacted as a normal human does and it happened to be one of those things.
And it goes further.
Body Language Strategy: Acute Awareness
As you observe people’s nonverbal communication, you must be present and IN the present conscious moment. They are not. You could ask them, “Are you here?” and they of course will emerge from nonconsciousness and say “yes.”
But the fact is that they are barely here. You must be present and aware of their behaviors because if you like this person, you’ll naturally yawn when they yawn. That could be a great thing. Most of the time you could bet on it.
But…don’t kid yourself into thinking that one person catching another person’s yawn IS a liking signal. It CAN BE. IT MIGHT BE.
Bodies don’t read popular self-help literature about body language.
They simply react to one stimulus after another. People rarely react positively.
They can. It does happen. It’s not all that common. For every 100 negative “reactions”, there are perhaps 5 positive reactions.
How can you possibly know all the body language cues people exhibited while communicating in some negative fashion with the person you are talking to right now?
Obviously you can’t, but you and I can make some broad generalizations.
Are You Making These Body Language Mistakes?
Studies indicate you have realistically closer to 4 seconds to make a good first impression on those you come in contact with. And this is used as a yardstick for all future communication by those whom you meet.
In the first four seconds, people will make judgments about you and tell themselves:
- I will (or will not) buy from this person.
- I will (or will not) like this person.
- I find this person kind (or not).
- I find this person intelligent (or not).
You can’t make a good first impression through your words alone. In fact, nonverbal communication is between 60 to 75% of the impact of a communication. But despite being the most important aspect, nonverbal communication is also the most misunderstood and misinterpreted.
Every action - or even the smallest micro-action - communicates subconsciously to others, so people could like (or not like) you through your gestures… without even knowing exactly why.
You could be making the most wonderful compliments or praise to people, but it’s difficult to gain their trust or approval if your words contradict your nonverbals.
These body language photos will show you some of the basic and advanced techniques used to interpret nonverbal communication. This girl is flirting with you. “But her arms are crossed, that’s defensive,” some might say. They are wrong. Head tilt to her left, hard time not grinning too big, while looking right at you. She likes you.
Flirting and sexual body language is something you can quickly spot in a woman’s nonverbal communication in both business and personal contexts.
Revealing the liar is easily identified in both business and personal context when you know how to properly interpret the signs. I’ll show you this later.
Whether you want to learn the real nonverbal secrets of love, dating or closing the deal, welcome! The analysis I’m going to give you as part of this preview includes both “liking” and deception judgments. It is fairly complex to analyze human behavior in snapshots in time.
See this guy. By looking at him, that smirk should mean he’s being perceived poorly and he’s fighting for his life. But no, check out the over the shoulder look of the first girl. Women inspect over their shoulders with curiosity…until that split second where liking or not occurs. These two will connect…
In this preview, my goal for you is to become aware of a few subtle cues that you are going to begin picking up from now on.
If you look closely, you will learn a great deal today about the nuances of nonverbal communication.
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